Dear Person Talking on Your Cell Phone While Driving Badly,

Dear Person,

Driving actually requires your full attention.  It can be hard enough to concentrate on the road when someone is sitting next to you, but your bad driving while I can see your cell phone at your ear proves that talking to someone on the phone is perhaps an even worse distraction.  Can you please give it a rest?

Your conversation can happen when you are not operating dangerous heavy machinery.  I am serious.  Driving is one of the most dangerous things you will ever do.  Perhaps it is the most dangerous.  I hate to generalize, but often when you are driving poorly, you are on your phone.

Don't do it!  It isn't even worth it. 

Dear Person on a Bicycle, if you are going to roll with traffic, follow the rules so you don't get yourself killed.

Dear irresponsible person on a bicycle,

Running red lights is not okay.  If you are going to ride with traffic, you have to follow the rules of traffic.  Are you trying to cause an accident or get yourself squished?

You have to find a way to roll with the drivers, not against them.  Today you were holding up traffic as you sped half way in the bike lane, halfway in the right lane.  You are being so dangerous.  Seriously.

I love riding bike, but you have to be safe and respectful of traffic rules and toward others on the road just like other drivers if you want and need (which you do so you don't get injured or cause injury to another) the same respect.

Dear Obnoxious Drug Commercial, don't make me think of these things before my time!

Dear Drug Commerical,

You are so depressing.  "Are you tired, sore?"  ...Uh, yeah, maybe.  "Then there is a good chance you have this and this and you really need this or this could happen to you, plus, you might have side effects of death, depression, and involuntary projectile feces."

Or "Do you have this horrible problem and you are suffering because you have this horrible problem and you need this drug?"  No!  We don't want to hear it, if we have a problem, we will seek out whatever necessary for it.  Quit shoving it down our throats.

Dear Starbursts, what is with the hydrogenated oil?

Dear delicious candy from childhood,

I recently purchased you to relive my childhood with an unhealthy snack.  I had no idea how unhealthy you were.  You are candy, so... I wasn't expecting that much.  But WHY would you use hydrogenated oil?  Trans fats are banned in certain places, they should be banned everywhere.  Especially in you, Starburst.

Hydrogenated oils have been termed the "Silent Killers" for a reason.  Can't you just be a candy filled with sugar, can't that be enough?  But the hydrogenated oil is unacceptable... not to mention the corn syrup, the coloring...

I love to eat junk food, but you have taken yourself too far.  There is no reason to use ingredients that are this destructive.  Get a hold of yourself Starburst!

Dear Girl that is wearing pajama pants at the store: What are you thinking?

Dear Girl,

Pajama pants are pants made for and meant to be worn in your bed.  At most, in the other rooms in your home.  Pajama pants are not meant to be worn outdoors for any reason, short of an emergency such as being on a stretcher or fleeing from a fire.  The tops of your Ugg boots should never meet the bottom of you pajama bottoms.  Not ever.

If you have time to do your hair and makeup, why do you not have time to pull on some decent pants?  It is about respecting others, it is about respecting yourself.

Dear Beautiful Girl that Over Tans:

Dear Beautiful Girl,

Keep your skin healthy and nice.  You kind of look like Rizzo the rat with all of your tanning.  You look better your natural color.  Really, all orange and brown and leathery- you just look odd.

Did you think tanning was still in style?  It is not.  It has not been in style since the 1990s.  Now that we all know the importance of sun protection, why do you insist on browning yourself?  You don't look better tan.  You only think you do.

Especially now, with society obsessing over keeping a young appearance, why do you think you need to tan-it-up?  Keep your skin healthy and young, and your natural color.  It is beautiful.

Dear Man sitting next to me at my favorite Chinese Restaurant:

Dear man from another culture,

Why are you staring at me?  Why will you not STOP staring at me?  You are sitting two feet away from me.  It is not acceptable to: A. stare in the first place, or B. continuously stare!  If you need to get in a good look, stop at some time!  Get a hold of yourself!

You make it very difficult for me to want to return to that restaurant.  I understand you are from another culture, but it is considered rude to stare at someone while they are eating here.  Don't make me uncomfortable.

Dear Low Cut Jeans, why do you look so bad?

Dear Low Cut Jeans,

You look awful!  You are so busy either showing my butt crack to an audience or hitting me right in the middle of my "love handle."  Why would you do this to me?  Why did you think you were a good idea?

You need to get up over "the ladies"  (as in, the hips) and stay there.  Please get a clue!  We need at least a mid-rise out of you in order to wear a normal shirt.  Get with it.

I only have a "muffin-top" when you give it to me.

Dear Scott Walker, why are you raping the middle class?

Dear Scott Walker,

We know we are broke.  We know it.  We know that we need to pay our bills.  But why are you putting the Budget Bill repair on the backs of the middle class?  Or perhaps even worse, those in poverty that rely on public services at certain times to allow them to move forward in their lives?

Do you really want to illuminate the backbone of this state- the middle class people that love and care for this state, that have hard-work and family values at their core?  The people that make this state what it is?  Do you realize what you are doing?  Are you from here?

Dear Anthropologie, why do you have such great style but mediocre quality?

Dear Anthropologie,

You have such great style, but your quality at times can be near the gutter.  Why, Anthro, why?
I would wear you and only you and shop at you and only you if only you held up for me.  I need quality clothing that lasts that also looks great.  Is that too much to ask?

And why would you make so many things that have to be dry-cleaned?  Don't you care about my needs?  I need to be able to wash my clothes.  The cleaners?  What do you think this is, the economy of the 90s?

Please continue to distribute your great style, but focus on making quality that last, that is all I ask.

Dear Capri Pants, Why do you look so bad on almost everyone?

Dear Capri Pants,

While I understand and respect your concept, you have failed!  Capri pants, you seem to make most people look ...bad.  You hit people at the worst, perhaps the most unattractive place on their legs.  Is your purpose to make people look worse?

Round people seem to flock to you, but you only serve to make them look more like Humpty-Dumpty.
Please capris, can you retire?

At least try not to rear your ugly self with white socks and tennis shoes.  (Please!)
Sometimes, you are just too short to be long and too long to be short.  Get a hold of yourselves!  Are you short pants, or long shorts?

Dear Natalie Portman, why are you so overrated?

Dear Natalie Portman,

Why are so over-rated?  You had a record-poor performance in "Where the Heart Is."  (Why did I even try watching that?)  It was difficult to choke down a few moments of "No Strings Attached."

You are very unconvincing and I have never believed you in any role.  Do you understand good acting?  Good acting means that you become that character- you seem to have trouble even acting like you are acting.  You are like the Yoplait light of yogurt.  You are well advertised, but highly artificial.

Is this just proof of the media's affective mind control?

Please, find some passion Natalie.  The best actors, artists, and performers have lived through hard times that have given them inner strength and fuel to tap into, in order to insert themselves into their character.

Oh, that's right!  You project such a perfect life, no wonder you can't act.  Or... is that your attempt to?
Please Natalie, spare us.  And by the way, is that a speech impediment or just an accent?
 

Dear Vitamin, why do you need to be red? I don't want your RED #40

Dear Vitamin,

I really don't care what color you are.  Why do you insist on being colored with red #40?  Do you think it increases your appeal?  Do you think it makes you more appetizing?  Did you think your artificial color would provide me with some satisfaction as I place you in my hand?

You thought wrong, vitamin.  You are supposed to only provide me with nutrition and health.  What is your problem? 

Why would you bother putting a carcinogen into yourself?

Get yourself together vitamin, and tell the company that makes you:

We don't want your color dye.